Erste Schrei

[emperorofselfdestruction]

[Some of you may recognize Starscream's overly large, messy handwriting by now. Some of you may not. Either way, he wants to complain at you.]

What is wrong with you fleshlings? Your stories are revolting. I knew you were disgustingly organic and primitive already, but I thought you at least had some standards.

Every other fairytale in the library has interspecies fornication, inbreeding, mutilation, cannibalism, or is simply bizarre. This is the worst research I have ever had the displeasure of doing, and how in the Allspark the Autobots can admire your odious species is beyond me.

[Long pause.]

Oh yes, who here can read my messages? I have been attempting to ascertain how these communicator books function.

- Cmdr. Starscream

[The signature is pretentiously fancy looking.]

Comments

[holyfight]

I can read them!

If you're not organic, what are you?

[please say a robot, please say a robot]

[emperorofselfdestruction]

From a cybernetic planet far more advanced than that of Earth, I am an autonomous robotic organism known as a Cybertronian.

In layman's terms, a giant robot.

[Seven feet tall still counts as giant, right?]

[holyfight]

I knew it, I knew it!

Can I come see you?

[jonathandammit]

[What? That sounds like something a more fancy demon would scrawl. Uh. But Jonathan could see the messages, so...]

I can read them. [Uhhhhh.] It depends on the fairy-story, mostly. Though I wouldn't know too well about the books here, seeing as they were quite different in my own world.

[emperorofselfdestruction]

[There's a bit of a pause before Starscream responds.]

Different? How so? What world are you from?

[Awfully nosy for a robot without a nose.]

[jonathandammit]

Most of the fairy-stories in my world have all that you mentioned before smothered out of them.

[ARCHANGEL-LEVEL CENSORSHIP MAN]

[emperorofselfdestruction]

So they did have the disturbing content, it was just covered up. Perhaps it was the same on Earth. I did not get quite the same [Pause.] impression of their fairy-stories while I was there, that I did here.

[HE THOUGHT IT WAS ALL SINGING PRINCESSES AND BLUEBIRDS]

[WHY DID NOBODY WARN HIM ABOUT THE CANNIBALISM]

You are?

[jonathandammit]

[DON'T FORGET NECROPHILIA]

My name is Jonathan. By the way, what fairy-story role do you possess? I myself am, apparently, Hansel from Hansel & Gretel. [worst thing he got is a weird witch who really likes eating kids and gets boiled alive. and a new fear of sweets. and a dead evil mom

He doesn't even do all the cool stuff! Gretel's the one who actually throws the witch into the pot.]

[emperorofselfdestruction]

[DON'T REMIND HIM.]

I have been assigned the role of Jack of the Lantern. Believe me, I have no intention of following it if I can help it.

[Well he's technically dead now. And has a turnip stalking him. It's pretty lame.]

Where's your Gretal?

[jonathandammit]

[YOU CAN'T ESCAPE IT. IT'S EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE

Speaking about Jack of the Lantern- excuse the pause before Jonathan writes again, because the only thing he knows close to that is this thing, who is a demon that has a real tendency to set people on fire. Also, said demon is also based off the Stingy Jack tale, so Jonathan isn't too far off. Just universe-reality differences.]

That's a rather unfortunate role... at least mine had a good ending. As for Gretel, there seems to be none as of yet. Apparently, she- or he, or they, with how these roles almost seem randomly assigned- hasn't arrived yet.